Day In the life of Kryten
by Andy0001z
Summary: Kryten goes about his on board duties. Set on Red Dwarf, we see the daily grind from Krytens point of view.
1. Another Day

**Hi all, me again. I think I need RDFFA (Red Dwarf Fan Fic Anonymous) as here I am again with another fic started.**

**OK this time, It's all about Kryten, I thought it might be fun to have a day in the life of Kryten. So here is the first few hours. Please review and enjoy.**

Day in the life of Kryten

05:00 hours

System boot, and diagnostic check running…..

Status confirmed : Happiness 85%, Stress Levels 55%, Cluckieness 150%

"Cluckieness, oh my what's that doing in my status report, wait till I have a word with that Mr Lister, I only asked him to tweak my calm level down a snatch." said Kryten continuing to read the print out.

System repair advice: new eyes, neck socket, dust unit, left leg, right leg, upper arm, lower arm, right hand, left hand, head, back spine support, mouth, nose, left ear.

Kryten tutted. "No change there then, thank goodness." He had been ignoring the warnings for some time, having run out of spares some time ago, he just hopped that they would come across some spare parts soon. He continued to read.

System parts operating at optimum: left buttock and right ear.

"Oh splendid, good old right ear and left buttock." Said Kryten looking pleased and patting his left buttock like someone from a by gone tv advert for a certain supermarket chain in the early 20th Century.

He set the print out aside adding it to his pile, all neatly stacked and in date order.

"Now what did I do with that squeezy mob?" said Kryten idly.

A voice sounding very grumpy came from behind a pile of dusters.

"OY, you square head, yes you." Said spare head three waiting for Kryten to move the stack.

Kryten reached up and moved the pile out of spare heads threes way.

"Oh that's so much better now I get to look at your ugly mug, I think I liked the pale flannel of those dusters better!" complained spare head three.

"Well suite your self, I can put them back." Threatened Kryten lifting the dusters back into the air.

"Oh look at him Mr top dog, threatening a poor old defenceless spare head three." Chipped in spare head two.

Kryten put the dusters down again and turned to face spare head two. "Now, look here I don't need any of your lip today thank you."

"It's alright mate." Said spare head two looking over at spare head three. "When I'm top dog next month I'll tip you some nice hot oil."

"Ohhh lovely." Said spare head three pulling his crinkled featured into a twisted smile.

A small alarm beep emitted itself inside Krytens head. "Right well I can't stand around here all day I have chores to do." Said Kryten opening his closet door and stepping through.

"Typical there he goes, swaggering off to play with his human friends." grumbled spare head three.

Kryten shook his head and closed the door.

* * *

05:20 hours – Corridor B deck

Kryten walked down the corridor towards his laundry room. Derrick should have finished his nightly load and would need servicing. As he approached the door he noticed the white soapy water running out from within. Kryten frowned and stepped inside.

Soapy water covered most of the floor with Derrick the washing machine sitting quietly in the corner.

"Oh my, oh my, what has happened in here? Derrick what on earth where you up to last night?" Kryten questioned the static washing machine.

There was of course no reply from the simple service unit.

"Nothing to say have you?" continued Kryten grabbing his mop and bucked and starting to swish the water into the bucket.

Then Derrick did say something, or rather spew something out all over the floor. A further gush of water flooded from his door and within that water was one single brown sock.

"Oh I see, one of Mr Listers socks, I am so sorry Derrick, I completely understand. I did promise to soak them in bleach before even attempting a wash didn't I." said Kryten collecting the soggy but still highly toxic sock from the floor.

* * *

06:30 – Cleaning duty on C deck

Kyten having got the flood under control and dealing with the toxic sock made his way into the small cinema on C deck. As per normal the place looked like 50 polar bears had escaped and simultaneously raided the popcorn bar and being bears not grasped holding popcorn snack buckets and lost their loads all over the shop.

He tutted and set to work. While busy collecting Mr Listers toe nail clippings from the third row he head the familiar sound of the two Skutters enter, he looked up.

"Now, look here you two, I haven't finished so you can just go back to your duties." Said Kryten sternly. "In fact aren't you meant to be painting that wall in the Drive room corridor?" asked Kryten.

The two skutters did there best to not look guilty and returned to the exit.

* * *

07:50 – Drive room corridor

Kryten saw that the skutters had been here, paint still dripping from the walls. He really did not understand why they found it so difficult, after all a standard up and down movement of the claw was what they did best. He continued into the drive room.

"Holly, I'm here for our 8am briefing." Said Kryten.

Holly's image slowly faded onto the screen, he was still wearing his floppy night cap. "Alright mate, hang on a tick while I stretch my diodes." Said Holly.

"Anything to report on scanners Holly?" asked Kryten.

"Let me see, errr unless you count the blackness of space, then no." replied the dead pan voice of holly.

"What about ship diagnostics?" asked Kryten.

"Well you see I've been meaning to come clean about those Kryten. You know I have been saying all is fine." Said Holly slowly building to something.

"Yes." Said Kryten, not picking up on the inevitable something's not right here voice.

"Well it's not, in fact for the last two months it's been kind of dead." Said holly matter of factly.

"What do you mean dead?" asked Kryten.

"Well I've been trying to get it to boot and the dam thing just sends me a message telling me to call Service Support with this error code and when I call the number it answers tells me I'm first in the queue and puts me on hold forever." Said Holly.

"Oh, I see. Well does everything feel fine?" asked Kryten.

Holly thought for a second, he was pretty sure he did feel fine, well apart from that little hiccup in his sub processing unit that meant he sometimes forgot things. "Oh yeah fine, tickity boo me, you could enter me into the prime computers top 100 competition and I'd leave them sitting." Said Holly.

Kryten decided not to ask anymore system questions his worry level had risen ten fold in the last 30 seconds.

"OK, well I'm going to check on the supply situation in cargo bay 4. If Mr Lister or Mr Rimmer appear before 2pm please let them know." Said Kryten.

"Sure thing, just remember that is a newly released deck to be careful." Said Holly.

* * *

09:00 – Cargo Bay 4

The lift carrying Kryten jerked to a halt. Kryten looked out into the dim light and the hundreds upon hundreds of supply crates.

He looked down at his shopping list.

1 x Large frying pan

15 x Batch up curry powder

50 x wicked strength larger tins

10 x Bag of vac pack chicken

1 x Lettuce

He set off scanning the labels as he went.

Further off down the way a small Ball bounced down the walkway and into Krytens path.

"Oh my, who left this here." Said Kryten picking up the ball and placing it on a nearby create.

The small ball morphed it's shape and a sucker shot out and attached itself to Krytens head.

Kryten just had time to say. "Oh dear, I do believe you are a polymorph." Before klapsing onto the cold concrete floor.

**Next time: More Kryten cores and other typical Red Dwarf events**


	2. The Lump

**Hi, the adventure with Kryten continues. We left Kryten last laying on the floor having just had some emotionsucked from him by the small polymoph. Enjoy and please do review.**

Krytens eyes flicked open as his self repair booted his systems back online. He checked the report, all systems operating within normal variables. Knowing that polymorphs sucked out emotion he checked his emotional state, yep all checked out there, no wait he had lost at least 75% cluckieness, 25% stress and 15% emotional baggage. Kryten tutted.

'Emotional baggage! I mean really what was his CPU thinking he was, some sort of soft and squishy human' he thought.

Well at least it had not robbed him of a single emotion enough to unbalance him; he was quite ashamed of his actions the last time a polymorph had fed on his emotional state. In fact he had tried several times to get Holly to erase the ships recording of the incident but Rimmer had got there first and had made a personal backup copy for his own devious use at some unknown future date.

He got up and noticed the small slimy form of the polymorph on the floor a short distance away. It wasn't moving. In fact it looked very much on the deadish side of life.

Kryten reached behind him and pulled fourth his trusty sonic super mob. He held it in front of him as if brandishing some medieval sword. He prodded the small lifeless form which confirmed it was indeed quite dead.

"My my, it must have been so weak, that feeding on me was a meal too far. It must have pushed the little guy over the edge." Said Kryten to himself.

Kryten almost felt sorry for the little Polymorph. After all it was not its fault that it had been created that way. He scraped up the small blob and put it in a near by waste unit.

He thought he should say something; after all it had been a living thing. He thought about it and settled with.

"May your do loop continue on forever and your programs never fail." Said Kryten.

He pressed the release button and heard the faint whoosh as the unit sending its contents down into the ships massive waste processing unit.

"Now were was I?" said Kryten looking at his list.

* * *

12:30 hours – Kitchen D deck

Kryten added the third bag of chillies to the curry breakfast. The steam from the offending dish on the grill had kept steaming up his eyes, he had now opted to place them on the shelf far enough away not to be affected anymore but still in view of what he was doing. Had someone been up to be passing at the time they would of no dought run from the room screaming at the ghoulish sight.

He added the last bag of chillies and dipped his little finger into the pot, a sizzling sound emitted from the pot followed by the faint smell of burning plastic.

"Oh fiddle dee." Said Kryten, quickly lifting his finger from the pot. "That's the third finger tip cover I've used this week alone." He looked at the offending burnt finger, he thought '_They normally can stand temperatures far higher but it seems Mr Listers dish it just too dam hot for them.'_

He pulled the old finger cover off and pushed on a replacement from his spares compartment. "At this rate, I'm going to have to go back to tasting his meals again." He said. That was no better as he had stripped most of my sensors from his mouth already."

Tutting he decided the dish was ready. He looked up at the time and guessed Lister might just be thinking of waking up, so he placed the curry and beer on the tray and walked off in the direction of the sleeping quarters.

* * *

13:00 hours – Sleeping quarters of and .

Kryten entered the room and saw Lister disappearing back under the covers.

"Good morning sir? I've got an extra special yummy breakfast for you, and as a special treat I even managed to get some new chillies, the extra hot kind." Said Kryten looking pleased with himself.

The lump in the bed changed shape but didn't emerge.

"I'll just leave it hear on the table sir, it's super hot so it should still be good when you finally emerge." Said Kryten placing the tray onto the table.

The lump changed shape again only this time one of Listers arms snaked out and a hand gave him the thumps up before disappearing again under the cover.

Kryten noticed the laundry basked was full again and approached it. His internal sensors began to alarm bell and provide a list of toxic warnings for him. '_Hmm I think I'll fetch my hazard gloves for this little lot._' Thought Kryten leaving the lump and the basket alone together.

* * *

13:35 hours – Drive room ship wide emergency

Kryten walked into the Drive room and saw Rimmer eating his fist in worry. "Sir, what is the matter?" he asked.

"This!" said Rimmer pointing to the large grey blip on the Navicomp screen.

Kryten went over and scanned the screen. "Oh I see."

"Yes in smeging deedee, Holly here say's that it is one massive class D planet and our excuse for a computer is going to crash us right into the middle of it." Said Rimmer in a strained voice.

"Oh, that's not good at all sir, I've not finished Mr Listers laundry quite yet." Said Kryten looking worried.

"No it's smegging well not, where is Lister, hasn't he heard the alert?" said Rimmer still chewing on his fist.

"I left Mr Lister or a loose approximation of him asleep in your quarters sir." Said Kryten.

"Well, he better get his fat little arse down here pronto because we need a plan." Said Rimmer.

"Might I suggest a spot of abandoning shipping?" said Kryten now starting to sound more nervous.

At this point Lister walked into the room. "Alright guys, who set off the disco lights again, I've got one killer of a headache you know."

"Lister we are only moments away from having this ship and everything on it smash into a large planet, I think your headache is the least of our worries, don't you?" snapped Rimmer.

"OK calm down. Holly, what's going on?" said Lister to Holly who had remained silent.

"Err I think I've cocked up a tiny bit Dave." Said Holly.

Rimmer screamed at him. "TINY, TINY, you call navigating us into a planet so big that even my grandma with her super thick glasses could spot from 100 miles away!"

"Look I've been busy, and anyway it's an easy miskate to make, any old computer could have done the same." Replied Holly in defence.

"No Holly, any old computer with an IQ of 6 could make that mistake but your meant to have 6000." Scaled Rimmer.

"Look everyone clam down. Holly is there anyway you can save the ship?" asked Lister.

Holly looked thoughtful and replied. "I'm afraid it's beyond my control Dave."

"Holly, making a cup of tea is beyond your control." Said Rimmer.

"OK, Kryten, Rimmer you go warm up Starbug, I'll grab the Cat." Said Lister exiting the room.

* * *

14:00hrs – Starbug cotpit.

"My oh my, where is Mr David and Mr Cat, they should have been here by now." Said Kryten looking at the external vid screen view and still seeing no sign of them.

"Listen, we've given a fair chance, I've weighed up all the odds and I'm afraid we have to go Kryten." Said Rimmer.

"But sir, we can't leave them." Said Kryten objecting at the very thought.

Rimmer glared at him. "Listen bog bot brain, I'm your superior and so if I say we go, we GO!" he said forcibly.

Kryten scanned the image once more and sighed with relief. "It's them, oh thank goodness."

"See I told you, we just had to wait a bit longer and they would be along." Said Rimmer conveniently forgetting their last conversation.

"No you did'nt sir, you wanted me to leave." Returned Kryten.

"Well never mind all that now, get the systems ready to go as soon as they are on board." Said Rimmer waving a hand at him to usher him along.

Kryten sat down at the controls and started the pre-flight sequence. A few minuets later Lister and the Cat appeared at the cot pit door.

"Hey, that's my seat buddy!" said the Cat seeing Kryten in his usual the flight chair.

Kryten got up and the Cat sat down and continued with pre-heat.

Everyone took there places and just as the bug was about to lift off, Holly's image appeared on the screen smiling.

Lister and the others looked at his big stupid grin. "OK Hol, what's the stupid grin for?"

Holly smiled. "Basically we're not going to die." He began.

"What, Why?" said Lister

"Well, you know that planet." Holly continued.

"Yes the big one." Said Rimmer.

"Yeah that one, well it turns out it's behind us and not in front of us at all." Said Holly.

"But holly the scanner clearly showed it in front of us." Said Kryten.

"Well the funny thing about scanners and space, is that it all looks the same which ever way up you look at it. I must have projected the scans back to front." Said Holly.

Rimmer relaxed. "OK Stand down everyone, it's just another Holly imaginary disaster. How many times this month now Holly, three oh wait no there was that alien space ship that turned out to be a bit of the forward communications tower that fell off. That's four Holly in one month, even for you that's good going." Said Rimmer.

"Well if anyone needs me I'll be in my closet changing my waste bag." Said Kryten leaving the cot pit.

**Next time : Krytens day continues, what lies ahead for him. (Frankly I haven't a clue!! but I'm sure we will come up with something!)**


	3. Pants

**Hi, sorry it has taken so long for this chapter to come online. I hope it was worth the wait. Krytens day continues.**

16:00hrs Laundry Room

"Right that's Mr Listers laundry all sorted, now what's next?" said Kryten as he scanned his internal daily task list.

Shopping trip – Complete with some emotional loss

Breakfast – Complete

Morning Laundry – Incomplete due to mechanical failure

Cleaning Duty C Deck - Complete

Lunch – Skipped due to ship wide alert

Afternoon Laundry – Complete

Systems repair slot – Not started

Prep Dinner for Mr Lister and Mr Cat – Not Started

Downtime – Not Started

Additional

Listerslife lessons (Warning ensure spare boot disk is with you, in case of system lock)

Rimmer Assignment – Not started (OVERDUE)

Kryten saw that Mr Rimmerstask was overdue and tutted. He really must get round to this task sooner or later, however the thought of trawling around the ship with Mr Rimmer in tow did nothing for his circuits. Rimmer had informed him that they must count the number of ship-wide inlet vents and frankly he didn't know why Mr Rimmer hadn't just asked Holly. After all it was surely on the ships database, but Rimmer had been very firm, and insisting that the task was of up most importance to ship wide safety. Kryten thought about the last time he had pointed out that the vents were a trivial part of the overall ships maintenance and they should in fact be insuring that the ships release valves had no pressure was building up to dangerous levels. Rimmer had been most rude telling him to go stick his head down a waste unit. Kryten had made a mental note to thank Mr Lister because if it was not for Mr Listers and his life lessons he would have dually done as Mr Rimmer had requested.

Life lessons had stretched his programming far beyond that of his off the shelf remit. He was now working with Mr Lister on something called sarcasm and was looking forward to today's lesson.

He decided to take his system repair slot, and walked back to his closet.

He opened the door to his closet and entered the small room that was allotted to him, well it was a stretch calling it a room, some estate agents might of used he words 'Micro boutique.' But he called it home.

"OH look who's swaggered back in lads, its Mr fancy human friend's himself." grumbled spare head three.

Kryten ignored him and decided to sit. Kryten had no need to sit but he liked the notion and so parked his plastic behind down on the small stool he had acquired from B deck.

He turned and addressed spare head two. "I need some help with my repair program, do you mind?" he asked holding the small cable out in front of spare head two.

"OH very well, but if you cleared down some of those useless files you hold in that head of yours we would not have to go through this process every month." Said Spare head two as Kryten released the flip top catch and plugged the lead into the now exposed socket just inside spare head twos skull.

"There not useless, you're just jealous because they are in my head not yours." Said Kryten.

"What would I want with a load of information on 20th Century pop art?" stated Spare head two scanning Krytens files.

"Mr Lister say's it will help me with my rebellious training and as it happens I quite like it." Said Kryten.

Spare head three chipped in. "What all that squiggly nonsense and splashing colours about crap, look lad in my day we knew how to do art. Get a naked 3000 series in the room and perform a deep scan, now that's art!" said spare head three with a far off gaze on his screwed up face.

"Look can we just get on with this please, I have a very busy afternoon?" said Kryten getting all flustered at the time this was taking.

"Alright Alright keep your modem on." Said spare head two.

The process didn't take long and while Kryten waited for the system alert to tell him that all had finished he practiced something else Mr Lister had been teaching him, he began to day dream.

Kryten thought about his adventures back on the Nova 5, oh those were the days. He pictured the three girls sitting around the table, each laughing and chatting. One time they had even let him sit in on a game of twister but that had not lasted very long. They had asked him to not play anymore after he fell on **NAME** giving her a broken leg in the process.

His system blipped up a complete message, snapping him out of his day dream.

"Oh good, another months clean up finished." Said Kryten unplugging spare head two.

"So I guess you're be buggering back off to your swanky panky friends again and leaving us here alone." Said spare head three.

"Look you both know, I have duties to perform and I will be back later." Said Kryten getting up.

A message alert blipped up on his small closet vid screen, it was Rimmer.

"Kryten, I've got a job for you, meet me in the drive room pronto." Said Rimmer, blipping back off the screen without waiting for a reply.

"Oh bother, I am just never going to get my duties finished today." Tutted Kryten, stepping outside and heading for the nearby lift.

* * *

1700hrs Drive Room

Kryten walked into the room and immediately noticed that Mr Rimmerwas pacing the room with an air of worry about his person.

"Arrhh Kryten it's you." Said Rimmer noticing him enter.

"Well yes sir, you did asked me to come straight away." Said Kryten secretly dreading the trivial task Rimmer had made up for him this time.

"I want you to come with me." Said Rimmer walking out the other exit to the room.

Kryten duly followed the Hologram out.

A while later they arrived outside Mr Rimmers sleeping quarters and Rimmer ushered him in.

Inside Rimmer stood in the middle of the room his hands linked behind his back while he rocked on the heels of his hologramatic shoes. "Do you see that?" he said looking to the far side of the room.

Kryten scanned the room, everything looked normal.

"I am sorry sir but I don't see anything?" he stated.

Rimmers arm snapped out from behind his back and pointed to the open storage locker. "That." He simply said as if Kryten should know what he was referring too.

"The locker sir, is there a problem?" Said Kryten not seeing any obvious problem with the standard issue crew locker.

"Problem, I should say so, just look at it." Said Rimmer.

"At what sir, it's a standard issue locker, I believe yours sir." Said Kryten still clueless.

"Yes Yes I know but look closer." Pressed Rimmer.

Kryten walked over and leant in for a closer look at the locker.

"Well what can you see, huh, it's a travesty and a complete lack of respect for senior personnel." Said Rimmer.

"Well your underpants are still all nice and neat and on their little hangers sir. Is there a problem with your _pants_?" asked Kryten putting extra emphasis on the word pants.

"No there is not. It's open!" said Rimmer again expecting this revelation to explain everything.

"I can see that sir. Would you like me to close it?" Said Kryten

"No, well yes!" said Rimmer himself now sounding slightly confused. "I want you to put a lock on it for me. That smegger has been in there again. God knows what he expects to find, he had been through it enough times." Said Rimmer.

"A lock, what happened to the old one sir?" said Kryten.

"He broke it." Said Rimmer accusingly.

"Who Mr Lister?" asked Kryten.

"Yes look at it, all my worldly things just open for anybody to steal." Said Rimmer pointing at the open locker.

"Sir I fail to see who would want to steal your pants, the Cat would not go near them and Mr Lister stopped wearing them some years back, and I have no use for them. Frankly it's just a set of pants." Said Kryten.

"To you just pants Kryten but to me they are the last link to my real body." Said Rimmer passionately.

"If you say so sir, I'll just pop out and get a new lock for you." Said Kryten leaving Rimmer standing guard over his locker and precious pants.

* * *

1730hrs Engineering deck

Kryten searched his fourteenth draw, still not locating any locks suitable for the job. "Oh bother, where are those blasted things." He said getting flustered again.

He tried another and stopped. He looked closer and something told him there was something more in this draw than the pencil sharpener and the novelty rubber but he could not see it. He pulled his spare Psi scanner from his on board storage unit and scanned the draw.

"Oh it's you." He said to the apparently empty draw.

"Well what are you doing in here?" he asked the empty space.

At that moment the Cat danced into the room. "AWwwooow how am I looking." He stopped pulled a small silver mirror out and looked into it. "I am sharp, in fact so sharp you could use me to split the atom baby, AWwwoooow." He said going into another spin

He finally stopped and noticed Kryten. "Hey, what you doing?" he asked.

"I'm talking to this draw sir." Said Kryten

"The draw, why?" enquired the Cat.

"Well it seems I have found the nanobots sir." Said Kryten.

"Nano what?" replied the Cat looking puzzled.

"You remember the little fella's that reanimated Red-Dwarf and the crew." Said Kryten.

"Oh those little fellas, well I want to have a word with them myself, they put me through hell all that orange jump suit wearing in the Tank, I still can't bring myself to go near my orange spandex collection, I think I'm scared for life." Said the Cat in an angry yet pathetic tone.

"OH I am sure they didn't mean for that to happen sir." Said Kryten.

The Cat moved next to Kryten and peered into the empty looking draw.

"Hey you! You owe me some suits for what you did." He said to the space in the draw.

Krytenalso moved his head next to the Cats both looking into the draw. "They say they are sorry, and that you look sharp." Said Kryten looking from the draw to Cat.

"Well that very well may be true, but what about my lovely suits, these little suckers changed them from something to nothing, I had to start again, oh my lovely babies." Said the Cat almost in tears.

Kryten translated the message from the nanobots once more. "They say they will make you a new load just as soon as they work out how to get out of this dam draw."

Cat grinned. "Hey that's easy." He placed his mirror down towards the draw. "Hop on fellas we have some tailoring to do." He said removing the mirror after a few seconds and dancing and spinning back out of the room.

"Well I never, now where is those locks." Said Kryten continuing his search.

He located them in the 67th draw the last one on this floor and decided that if the crew ever needed a pencil sharpener they would never be in short supply given that he had found over 200.

* * *

1810hrs – Sleeping quarters.

"There Mr Rimmer, all done. Your pants are quite safe now." Said Kryten closing the locker and snapping the lock shut.

Rimmereyed the lock with suspicion. "Are you sure it's going to be him proof?" he asked.

"Sir, this lock could withstand a small Bolivian navy attack." Said Kryten.

Lister walked in. "Brutal sarcasm Kryters those lessons are paying off."

"Indeed sir." Said Kryten.

Rimmerglared at them both and left them alone.

"What's up Kryts?" asked Lister inspecting the new lock on Rimmers locker..

"Not a lot sir, the universes last underpants are now safe back under lock and key." Said Kryten holding out a small key.

Lister held out the new lock having picked it. "What this lock?" he asked.

"Oh bother, please sir, put it back on I spent all afternoon finding that for Mr Rimmer." Pleaded Kryten.

"OK no bother." Said Lister snapping it back shut.

"Oh thank you sir, now if you would excuse me I have to go prepare dinner." Said Kryten.

"Sure whatever, I'm going to watch a vid." Said Lister jumping onto the lower bunk and flicking the vid player on.


	4. Eggs

**Krytens day is almost done, but he's not best happy at the crews cooking.**

19:00hrs – Kitchen

Kryten leant over the cookery book and began to read. "Take one egg." He looked up at the supplies, which didn't include any eggs. "Oh dear, never mind what next. Now add the onions." He scanned the supplies again, no onions present either. "Hmm what next, now lightly simmer adding a dash of yoghurt." He didn't need to look up he knew there was no yoghurt either.

"Oh bother." He said, closing the book and reaching for one of the instant curry in a bag meals again.

"How is a droid meant to expand the crew's palette if all he has to work with his two hundred tins of beans and seven thousand bags of rice."

The cooker pinged and he opened the door. "Right that's all done." He said putting the curry onto a plate and adding the fake garnish that he new Lister would pick off with that face of disgust as usual.

As he walked towards the sleeping quarters his nasal sensesors picked up something in the air. "Hmmm, slightly oily with a hint of ketchup, I know that smell." He then walked into the sleeping quarters and found Lister, Rimmer and the Cat all sitting at the table tucking into a massive bag of Chips.

"Aright Kryten, fancy a chip?" asked Lister waving a long thick cut chip at him.

Krytens brow broke into more lines than a tropical beach front. "Where did you get those? I've made you your normal sirs." Said Kryten holding out the plate of Curry and rice.

Lister chewed on the chip. "Microzapped um man, you can leave that there, I'll get to it in a minute." Said Lister dipping another large chip into a bowl of brown sauce.

Kryten set his tray down and looked over at Mr Rimmer. "Sir, why are you eating chips, you never eat?" asked Kryten.

Rimmer stopped chewing and grinned. "You know, sometimes you just have to live a little. You should try it sometime Kryten." Said Rimmer.

"But sir you know the mess it leaves behind when you switch back to soft light, it's like a fresh Jackson Pollock every time you swallow." Said Kryten.

Rimmer just shrugged and dipped his next Jackson Pollock master tool into the red sauce.

Kryten shook his head and left them to it, sometimes he just didn't get humans.

* * *

19:30hrs – Krytens Closet

Having decided that he was not needed he returned to his closest to catch up with his favourite soap. Placing his mug of hot oil next to him and flicking on the vid screen he sat back and began to watch his favourite soap.

"Arrrh now this is the life." Commented Kryten as he placed his hands behind his head and leaning further back into his chair.

A voice behind him interrupted his viewing pleasure. "Hey baldy, get your big flat head out the way of the screen, some of us would like to watch to you know." Exclaimed spare head three.

Kryten shifted position slightly and was relieved this resulted in no more complaints from behind him.

The titles to his favourite show began to fade away and Bret the mechinoid actor filled the screen. He was leaning against a bar in a mech cleaning bar and greeted another mechinoid who had just joined him.

"Alright Bruce." He said.

The second mechinoid was slightly shorter and with a much larger vacuum unit smiled.

"Alright Bret, what's happening." Said Bruce.

Looking deeply into his glass of cleaning fluid Bret said "It's Sheila, she's left me."

Bruce ordered himself a large box of soap powder to go and looked at his friend. "What, not again, what's it about this time mate." He said.

Kryten did not take his eyes from the screen but reached out and placed a single chocolate into his mouth.

"She caught me interfacing with that fax unit again. I feel such a fool, I knew I should have emailed, but I wanted a bit of vintage, you know something with class." Said Bret.

Bruce pats Bret on the shoulder. "I know mate. You know just the other day I nearly hooked up with an analogue modem."

Bret looked up at Bruce his circuts working overtime to show surprise. "What, but your happly contracted mate."

Bret grinned. "I know, but she was beautiful, her tones were like something else. She had a 33.6 baud rate and everything."

Bret whistles.

Kryten tuts at the screen and is about to break his one chocolate rule for the third time this week when he notices a card being poked under his door.

He reaches down and opens it.

Dear Kryten, we're sorry about the chips and to make it up to you we would like to invite you to a Dinner party.

Time: 8pm

Place: Tex Bar

Attire: Nothing posh

"Oh how nice, a dinner party, what shall I wear?" Said Kryten.

"Oh great, leaving us again are you Mr dinner party swanky pants." Said Spare head three.

"Yes I am, and you know what, I am glad, because this way I don't have to listen to another evening of you coughing in my ear." Said Kryten getting up and leaving his room to the tones of spare head threes racking cough.

* * *

19:50 hours Tex Bar

Kryten notices that the lights are all off. "Oh dear I do hope I am not too early?"

He walks in and locates a light switch. Flicking it on he finds the bar empty. Secretly he is disappointed that Lister and the others did not jump out from hiding. He notices a card on a nearby table addressed to him.

Kryten, we know how much you like making Dinner so we will turn up around 9pm and chow down then,

Lister

Krytens face beams with joy. "Oh how wonderful, a whole Dinner party to prepare. How did they know I would wanted such a task." Said Kryten excitedly.

* * *

21:00hrs Tex Bar only later

"Kryters, you here man?" asks Lister from the main bar area.

Kryten pops his head round the door from the kitchen, accompanied by a burst of steam. "Mr Lister sir, your early, I was not expecting you for at least another half an hour."

"Well, I thought I would make an effort seeing as you're going to all this trouble." Said Lister looking at the assortment of cutlery on the table.

The Cat wonders over to the table and notices a strange looking knife, with a large flat bit. "Hey, what's this for?

"Err I think it's for opening your napkin?" said Lister

"No Lister you gretting it's for fish." Said Rimmer knowingly.

"Fish?" said the Car twirling the knife in his hand.

"Yes, you know small slippery things, found in the sea." Said Rimmer.

"I don't need a knife to eat my little fishy's I have all I need right here." Says the Cat pointing to his shinny teeth.

"Quite so sir." Says Kryten entering the room with a large platter.

"If you would all be seated." Said Kryten putting the large platter down at the head of the table.

"What we having?" asks Lister holding his knife and fork as if about to knock the ends into the table.

"Well for you sir, I have curry surprise." Said Kryten laying a dish of steaming curry in front of Lister.

"What's the surprise then?" inquires Lister.

"It's not curry, its actually powered eggs with a packet of curry powder thrown in." said Krtyen sounding positive.

"Oh right, cheers." Says Lister eyeing up his dish.

"Hey what's mine, what's mine?" asks the Cat excitedly.

"Are now for you sir, I have done something really special." Said Kryten

"Don't tell me let me guess, is it fish?" guesses the Cat.

"Well Kind of sir, its fish surprise." Reply's Kryten setting down a dish before the Cat.

"What the hell is this?" shrieked the Cat at the sight of a fish shaped pile of yellow eggs.

"Its powdered egg in a fish shape sir." Said Kryten in a very matter of fact tone.

Lister sniffed his food then looked up at Kryten. "OK what the smeg is going on here Kryten, you can cook better than his."

"Indeed I can sir but I think certain people around this table have forgotten that fact." Said Kryten in a hurtful kind of voice.

"What when?" asks Lister looking all innocent.

"Let me see now, for one thing tonight and the chips, then there was that time when I went too all that trouble to cook lobster and you and Miss fancy pants wanted to go off and use the AR, then what about when I cooked you all that lovely meal and you just left it there to go cold." Said Kryten.

Lister looked hurt. "Hey man, that was potato salad."

"Yes but you asked me to heat it up for you." Said Kryten.

Rimmer chipped in. "Kryten you stupid pile of junk, that time there was a ship wide alert, for all we knew the ship was about to explode." Said Rimmer.

"Would it of killed you to sat down and had a little bit of dinner before running off like that." Said Kryten

"Yes, Lister here could have died." Said Rimmer.

"But he didn't, did he. It was another false alarm." Said Kryten.

"True, but we did find that stack of vids behind the flight seat as a result of it." Said Lister.

Lister looked over at the Cat. "Come on man, chow down." He said lifting the fork to his lips.

The Cat followed suite and was about to insert the offending mush when Kryten stopped them both much to the Cats relief.

"I don't know what came over me. Please expect my apologies and I will go dismantle my circuits at once." Said Kryten looking solemn.

Lister swallowed his fork load. "Actually it's not that bad. Got any more?"

Kryten smiled and lifted a large pot from beneath the table.

* * *

1140hrs Krytens closet

Kryten walked into the small space and sat down. "Well what a day, I don't mind telling you, I think I'm due a holiday." He said out loud.

"What, you want to go swanking around without us again then that's fine." Said spare head three.

"Actually I was thinking maybe we could all go. I hear that deck nine is nice this time of year, there is a closet down there with air conditioning." Said Krytern.

He leant over and flicked the vid screen back on.

"Everybody needs good robots….." sings out from the screen and Kryten settles in for another night of his favourite soap.

**The End.**


End file.
